I remember every second of her delivery. I was nervous, scared, excited, thrilled, and very young. I was 22 years old to be exact and I was 2000 miles away from my own momma. She was perfect. Porcelain skin, big pink lips and blond hair!.... what newborn has blond hair? I was so ........ proud....yes proud is the word. I was proud of what we made. I knew that she would be cute but she ended up being beautiful. I cried when I went to work. I cried almost everyday. All I wanted to do was be her mommy. I needed her as much as she needed me. I breast fed her for almost 3 months. I wish I would have lasted longer but it seemed she needed more substance than I could provide. I was too inexperienced to know I could supplement and continue the breast. She cut her first tooth at 4 months. I remember her grandmother gasping in shock....."Oh my God... already?". She started a trend of growing up fast early. We soon found that she was a "strong willed" child; always determined always knowing exactly what she wanted regardless of what mommy said. I expected her to rely on me but she didn't. I would find her playing for hours alone in her room..... alone in her perfect world of castles and "little people". Her imagination was endless. I was proud of her. I was proud of the creative, artistic, beautiful girl we created.

Time passed...... it passed and I'm not sure how I didn't notice how fast it passed. I can remember so vividly.....memories of her childhood. Dancing, singing, piano playing, picking flowers. Beautiful long blond curly hair. So pretty...... I was so proud.

That same girl has grown up without my consent. She didn't ask, she just did it. I'm angry that she is leaving my nest. Her curiosity for life is forcing her to choose and she is choosing to explore. All I can do is watch her fly and it hurts to know that she wants to fly alone. She really wants to fly and I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I suppose she never really needed me as much as I needed her. I'm proud. I'm hurting but deep down I'm proud because I know she wont fail. She is too stubborn to fail...... to stubborn to listen to others and too proud to follow the crowd. We created a being that is stronger than most. I love her, i love her more than she will ever realize. She is my first born child and nothing will ever break that bond.

Here goes nothing. I have felt a longing to test drive blogging. Its nice so far. Feelings to report are frustration. Ive gotten everything Ive wanted thus far and still unsettled. When will I feel that inner peace I crave? I love people watching. Its fun to try and figure out their world, in that process Im leaving my own behind. Id rather immerse myself into a strangers mind, than try to figure out my own. Hmmmm 36 and still unsure of who I am or where I should belong. Well, I know I belong in the role of mommy, nurse, and friend.....who and what else. I need more or less or something. The new class Ive started at Baptist is community nursing. Have you ever felt an "inner pull". When you hear about something, it tugs at your heart, makes you alert, anxious (but in a good way). I felt that in class on friday. The topic was infant mortality in Memphis. We are officially the highest in the nation. Its hard to believe that ignorance continues to run rampet in our environment. You would think that with internet and television, mothers would have access to information. But, continuously we lose babies to SID more so than homicide (murder). I wanna teach, tell, show, inform..... knowledge is power.